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Hooper Horoscopes

These "Horriblescopes" are from The Hooper Carion and designed to be a bit of satircal fun.

Hooper Horriblescopes
Predictions by
Greywolf

Sponsored by Fast Ed's Used Cars  & Dr. Felix Ramsey, M.D. & Veterinarian
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AQUARIUS 21 January -- 19 February
Aquarius is an AIR sign, idealistic and inventive. This will be a special month for you. Your new found sense of creativity will completely disappear, leaving you bored and restless. But don't let this bother you, this is the lull before the storm. Things will soon get a lot worse. After this happens you will wish that you were still bored and restless.

PISCES 20 February -- 20 March
Pisces is a WATER sign, intuitive, sensitive and adaptable. This is a good month to plan you're holidays. Since you can't stand your neighbors you might as well go some where else for a few months. If this doesn't work out, you should move again. Keep at it. You may never find nice neighbors but you will see a lot of nice scenery.


ARIES 21 March -- 20 April
The RAM is the symbol of Aries. Aries is energetic but sometimes has trouble completing a task. You will be unable to accomplish anything this month. Or next month. Or for the following month. This is a long-term trend and you might as well plan an early retirement because of your lack of ability to complete a task at work.

CANCER 22 June -- 22 July
You are the Home-Maker of the Zodiac. Things pick up for you this month. You have all kinds of company and they all make a big mess. You are as happy as can be with all the extra cleaning that you have to do now. This is a good time to stock up on groceries because all that additional company is going to eat a lot of food as well as leave a big mess.

TAURUS 21 April -- 21 May
Taurus is ruled by VENUS, and the BULL is your symbol. This is a good month to consider a new romance because your present partner may be planning to kick you out. Don't let this worry you. Your partner will probably end up with someone they like even less.


GEMINI  22 May -- 21 June
Sometimes called the Communicator of the Zodiac. Gemini's are of superior intelligence. And you keep telling everyone that you are. And don't forget to nag all the other sun signs about how inferior they are. This is a sure way to win recognition and lose friends.


LEO 23 July -- 23 August
Sometimes called the Children of Pleasure. Lots of pleasure for Leo this month. The problem is that the stars don't say what the pleasure is.


VIRGO 24 August -- 23 September
Virgo's are the Perfectionist of the Zodiac. Remember, keep refining that project that you started 17 years ago. You're sure to get it just right sometime. You might want to start some new projects if don't feel frustrated enough with the old one. Remember, you are not alone, other Virgo's refine things endlessly as well.


LIBRA 24 September -- 23 October
You are the Diplomat of the Zodiac. You may be called on to settle a dispute. Don't do it. This is a bad month for diplomats. There is nothing notable in the stars for you this month unless you have a Taurus for a partner. In that case you may be kicking the partner out…But don't feel bad. The partner will likely find a happier home with a Scorpio.


SCORPIO 24 October -- 22 November
The Seducer of the Zodiac, ruled by Passion. Expect the possibility of a new relation ship this month. Maybe with a Taurus. This may be a good thing, unless you already have a partner. In that case you may wish to have a Libra mediate what is about to develop.


SAGITTARIUS 23 November -- 21 December
Sometimes called the Gambler of the Zodiac. This month there is nothing that you can do that will make things better. You should just relax and put up with the stars have in mind for you. Next month will be even worse, so you might as well enjoy what little you can now.


CAPRICORN 22 December -- 20 January
The Organizer. Capricorn's can be worry prone. Don't worry. Things are on the upswing for you again. You may win 4-5 dollars at bingo. If this doesn't happen you will likely be lucky enough to find a few pennies on the sidewalk. If you don't sustain one of these windfalls, don't worry. You might have something nice happen next month.

 


 

 

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